If you've read my last post, then you already know my Nurse Practitioner told me that exercise is my medicine in response to hearing that I hadn't noticed any side-effects from the Tamoxifen (daily chemotherapy pill that supresses female hormone production). I've also previously posted about my love for Yoga, and the gym and how they threw me a Zumba party fund-raiser. But what most people do not know (including the Nurse) is how very true this statement is.
Exercise IS my medicine.
I want to shift gears for a little bit and write about some difficult things, so you will know my deep-dark-dirty secret. I am not as nauseatingly happy as I appear. At least, not always. The problem is, I am normally such an exuberantly happy, bubbly person, that when I'm feeling down I act more like just a normal person. My deepest depressions still appear to other people as though I am a healthy, well-functioning, happy human being. But I'm not. Depression can be as evil and pernicious as cancer. I shared a bit of this story on my post titled "The Gym", but I'm going to get into some of the nitty-gritty today.
Back when I was depressed, I would load the kids into my van, and drive around. We spent hours doing this, week after week. I'd tell myself "You're so lucky that you aren't living in this van," and then I'd think "but we could, if we had to." I'd look at all the homes for sale or for rent, and cry. I'd see the families living just down the street from us, or in the next town, in their beautiful homes, and I'd feel a deep-seated envy. The bad kind of envy that the Bible warns about. The kind that says "Why do they deserve that, and I don't?" I'd fantasize about stealing things that 'those people' wouldn't even notice were missing. I wanted to share some of the pain I was feeling by spreading it to others. I'd dream about squatting in a residence, and what that would be like.I'd think "Gee, I wish we could be driving in the canyons." Then I wouldn't have to look at all the wealth surrounding me that I was not a part of. I could just get back to nature, and enjoy the beauty of the Earth that our Father in Heaven gave us.
But no. That was the worst thing I could do, and I knew it. I knew it all the way down in my core, because I also fantasized about driving off of one of those beautiful cliffs will all the kids in the van with me. This wasn't an occasional thought, either. It was one that recurred often. I knew it would hurt. I knew it would cause heartache and pain to our family and friends. But I also knew it would end the pain I was in. That it would draw attention to the crazy situation that has lead us to this point in our lives where not only do we have mountains of debt, my husband has this amazing education that he can't use. Where we did all the sacrifices, passed the tests, all to have the opportunity to help other people, only to be denied the last step that would allow all of this to actually benefit the people who would have been my husband's patients. Yeah. He's been pretty depressed, too, so it's not surprising he didn't notice my depression and send me in for help.
Honestly, the day I realized I was in trouble beyond what I could handle was when I was trying to apply for some aid. I couldn't fill out a form on the computer. I tried. My sister-in-law babysat the kids for me so that I could fill it out without interruption. I sat at the computer for two hours crying, and didn't get past filling in our names. We needed this help, and yet, I couldn't ask for it. There was something wrong. I knew I was depressed, but I also knew that it went beyond that because I could no longer even take the steps necessary to help myself or my family. That was when I went and saw the Doctor. He explained to me how the stress I had been under for so many years had finally caused a chemical imbalance in my brain, and how I wouldn't be able to 'snap out of it' on my own. It would take medication. He was so right. After several months of the medicine, I was ready to join the gym. After several months of going to the gym, I was ready to stop taking the medicine. Many (if not most) cancer patients suffer from depression after their diagnosis. For me, it woke me up out of my depression further than either medicine or the gym. It made me re-evaluate my life. It made me grateful for each and every day. But living it every day isn't easy. That's where the gym being my medicine comes back in. It reminds me, everyday, to be thankful for my body. To be thankful for the Doctors, nurses, and countless others who have helped me and successfully treated my cancer. It reminds me of all the people who love and support me. Exercise is truly a miracle drug.
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| Not only do I reap the benefits of physical fitness, I've also made amazing friends at the gym! |
I never did end up stealing anything, or squatting, or hurting myself or my children. In fact, people have stolen from us on more than one occasion. Perhaps they were desperate when they stole the seat covers that protected my van's seats from the children's car-seats and spills. Perhaps they were thoughtless when they stole my daughter's scooter, or cruel and bitter when they stole Christmas presents from the trunk of the car. Perhaps it doesn't matter. I forgive them. I pray for them. I hope their situation is not as desperate as I imagine it could be. In general, I've been able to banish most of the envy. It creeps up and blind-sides me every once in awhile, and I have to pray and work through the emotions to let it go all over again.
Do you know how good you have it?
Do I?
I know there are far worse circumstances than our own. I know most people are the same. They know that others have it far worse than they do. And yet we all let things rob us of our happiness. We let worries consume us. We choose to wallow in self-pity. We know the solution to these problems. Giving our cares to God. Serving our fellow men. Taking good care of what we have been blessed with, and being grateful for it. We can choose happiness, and as someone who has chosen both sides: unhappiness and happiness, I know that choosing happiness is the better side. I testify that God wants us to choose happiness, and that a lot of what we are here to learn in this life revolves around learning how to choose happiness, and all the virtues that go along with it.
I am grateful for my cancer. I am grateful for my husband's education. I am grateful for his desire to help patients. I am grateful for our support system. I am trying to be grateful for our circumstances, but until I can be grateful for them, I will choose to be happy despite them.
