Something like intuition...

     In my communications with people regarding my cancer I’ve had a difficult time explaining the source of my calm demeanor. Yes, it is related to spirituality, but it’s not just the result of faith. I feel like I have been prepared for this trial. This post will make an attempt to clarify what I’ve felt and experienced, but I also know it will fall short of truly communicating my experience. I’ve used the word “premonition” to describe it a few times, knowing that it doesn’t quite fit. I checked the thesaurus, and none of the words fit. What I’m feeling lies somewhere in between premonition, discernment, inspiration, and intuition.

     For as long as I can remember, when I have heard about someone having breast cancer I have thought “That could be me.” I understand this response is familiar among women, after all, breast cancer is the most common cancer women develop. My thoughts would often take me beyond that initial connection. I would question “If it were me, what would I do? How would I react? How would I feel?” Many of my speculations were dependent on my age, but in general I came to the same conclusion. I would want a mastectomy. This line of thought has occurred many times throughout my life, but it’s not the only thing that has prepared me.

   

 I do Yoga. I love it. I’ve never been very coordinated. The rest of my sisters took dance and gymnastics lessons. I went home crying from my first lesson in each, and my second and third lesson in gymnastics, and most of my swimming lessons to boot! That’s part of why I’m a musician, the coordination involved in the piano, the violin, and the viola is much more specific! Still, I’ve always wanted to be coordinated, and I love to dance for pleasure. I’ve worked hard to learn dances for stage performances, and I love aerobic dance (which means Zumba right now). Still, yoga does something special for me beyond the physical. My sister introduced it to me after Shane joined the Air Force, and we practiced it together while he was gone to basic training. It helped me to center, and taught me something I’d been frustrated with my entire life – how to increase flexibility and balance! I did my research paper in my Aerobics Teaching class on Hatha Yoga, and spent many hours reading about it. Part of practicing yoga is listening to your body, not pushing it. Understanding your body, and working with it, not against it. Many times the pose you find most difficult or most uncomfortable is the pose your body needs the most. Triangle pose was this way for me in the beginning, but throughout the last several years of medical school induced stress it’s become Upward Dog that I know I need. I’ve even burst into tears in the pose, and it frequently makes me feel like crying. Knowing that triangle pose is linked to sinuses and that I frequently have sinus issues, I wondered “Why is upward dog causing this emotional reaction?” So, I looked into it, and read about how, along with Camel pose and a few others, “heart opening” poses can do just that – open the heart! I also read that this feeling is often experienced in women who have breast cancer. I thought, “Well, I’m under stress, so it’s likely an emotional reaction to the stress,” but, I also had that little question, “Could it be breast cancer? What would I do if it was?” And still, there are other ways in which heaven has prepared me.

     While living in Georgia, I found an ‘anomaly’ in my breast. I had Shane examine it. He pronounced it likely the result of fibrous tissue change and advised me to wait a couple of weeks and see if it went away. It did. Still, it gave me plenty of impetus for my speculation regarding my personal reaction to a cancer diagnosis.

     While on Facebook a year or two ago I read a post about the possible link of Aluminum in anti-perspirants with breast cancer. Now, let’s agree, a ton of stuff gets posted to Facebook like this, and in general it gets placed in the “EVERYTHING CAUSES CANCER” folder in my brain. That folder like, never gets opened, because I’m naturally a worry-wart and would worry myself to death if I believed every piece of medical advice and opinion on Facebook!!! Still, this one struck me, and I stopped using my anti-perspirant and bought a Tom’s of Maine deodorant that same day. I can’t explain why it was suddenly so urgent to me, and, truly, it was an unusual way for me to respond to that kind of Facebook post. Go figure!

     We moved to Spanish Fork in 2012. It was an insanely difficult move. It very nearly broke me, in more ways than one. The ward (church group) we attend features a meeting for women called Relief Society. One of the women is called through Preisthood power to be the president of the organization. Ours had just finished her battle with breast cancer about the time we moved in (I think). I was so impressed by her positive attitude regarding her experience. I loved the way she carried herself in a way that radiates peace. She exhibited humility and confidence sans shame. Humility should be without shame, in fact, they should be mutually exclusive, but somehow in our human nature we sometimes confuse humility with a combination of other attributes. Humility is among the most difficult spiritual attributes to attain – at least in MY opinion. I was inspired by her openness, by her faith, by her humility. More than inspired, I felt a connection to her, despite the fact that I wasn’t present for her tribulations. My speculation regarding how I would respond to a cancer diagnosis suddenly had a role model.

     Now, these are just the few examples that are foremost in my mind as I reflect on why I feel so prepared. Some would call them coincidences, but to me they are a testimony of God’s guiding hands being a constant part of my life. And now, maybe… hopefully… those of you who have taken the time to read this have a better understanding of why I am handling it “so well” and with such a “positive attitude”. I have more to say regarding the spiritual nature of my journey, but for now, this is sufficient.

     For anyone who does not follow Facebook, my MRI is tomorrow, my appointment with the plastic surgeon is on Tuesday, and my surgery is scheduled for February 18^th. I plan on having my left breast removed, but am going to hold off on deciding anything about the right one until I meet with the plastic surgeon. I’ll keep you updated. I also learned that my cancer is both Stage 2 and Grade 2.

Thanks again to everyone for the support and prayers!!!