The Cry Fest

Yup. It happened. We all knew it would. I woke up Friday morning with a dull ache in my left breast. It wasn't in my head! My cancer was causing me pain. Mild pain, mind you, but I could FEEL it. <shivers> I was up early, because I have so much to do, but despite my best efforts, my littlest was pushing all my buttons, and we left late for my regular yoga class. Again. My little one did not want to go into the gym's daycare - which is unusual for her. I knew I needed yoga. It may be the last time I do it before my surgery.

I tell her "Listen. You can either hug me and hold me and have an angry mommy, or you can let me go to yoga, and I will hug you and hold you after and be a happy mommy. You choose. Happy mommy or angry mommy." She cheered "Happy Mommy!" and ran into the daycare as happy as could be. We had a substitute teacher in yoga. She was great, but a different instructor can really mess with your practice, even if they're good. I couldn't help but gripe in my head a little. I wanted the workout I had expected! Still, we got to the end of class, the Shivasana that everybody loves where you lie in Corpse pose on the floor and try to relax completely. Everything is fine for the first 5 minutes, but the last few are a different story. I begin to weep. As we come out of our shivasana I attempt to 'hide' my tears by engaging in a few more stretches. The tears don't stop. Then my friend asks "Are you okay?" So I tell her, "I think I'm really emotional from all the stress. I'm okay. I'm going to be okay, but I think I just need to cry." She invites me to the steam room, where she allows me a good cry, and says super supportive things. I tell her "I just want IT OUT. I just want them to CUT IT OUT of me all ready!" You get the idea. And no, those capital letters aren't just emphasis like I normally use them, they're the actual yelling kind of capital letters. Those things are handy after all! So, on our way out of the gym, my friend takes her necklace off and puts it around my neck. It says "BE BRAVE".

I ask if I can return it to her when I'm done with it. I don't love accepting things from people. She says "Pass it on to someone else who needs it. Someone gave it to me." I'm hoping to learn more about the necklace's history. Anyway, part of why I was so stressed was because I was trying to get ready to leave town for the weekend.

My dad's parents

My grandparents left their home in a trust fund for their children to use. We only get the opportunity to visit it rarely, but it is in a very rural location. It reminds me of being a child, and of my deceased grandparents. It feels secluded, and free. I love it when we get to spend a few days there. My children love it too - maybe even more than I do! I knew as I began this process that a weekend away together before my operation would probably be a good idea. The hard part was trying to get enough done to go! I thought about all I had to do as I drove home. I knew I could call someone over to help me, but I also felt like the time when I really need that is still coming. I said a little prayer, and went to the Junior High to check my oldest out of school. I made sure she was going to be okay with missing the rest of her classes, and then explained my emotional state to her. I told her I just needed to be with her, and have her help, if that was okay. She was thrilled. She got a little bit done, and I got a lot done. We left on our trip two hours late, but it was okay.We had a great time in my grandparents' home. I got lots of homework done, and the kids got lots of playing done. It was exactly what we needed, and we may go back for spring break.

My parents and grandparents

I'm so grateful for my parents, and my grandparents, and their legacy. I drew strength from having a retreat with my parents in the home of my grandparents, and returned ready to sprint to the first mile marker in this journey. Two more days. Today, and tomorrow, and I will be in a world of pain and drug induced lack of pain accompanied by drowsiness. BUT, the cancer? It'll will be GONE. I can't wait!