God's Will

     Yesterday was a very difficult day for us. My husband didn't match to a residency program. This was not his first try. When I received my cancer diagnosis, I thought about how we are 'stuck' someplace we do not want to be. We have known for awhile now that being stuck is part of God's plan for us, but it's one of those trials I spoke about earlier - where I am selfish and can only see how it's hurting me and my family. We live in my parents' basement apartment with our four children, and before we lived here, we lived in my husband's parents' basement. In light of the cancer, I wondered "Maybe we were meant to be stuck here because I'm meant to deal with this in the middle of the largest support system I could have." As the oldest of eight children, and being married to the oldest of seven children, we have a large family support system! Our parents live less than two blocks apart, but they attend different church congregations. We have attended both congregations, and now, both of them are supporting us. I can't imagine how difficult treating my cancer would be if we had relocated 6 months before my diagnosis! And my support system - both near and far - is AMAZING. Absolutely amazing.

     Several years ago, we were engaged in prayer regarding when we needed to try to have another child. I get very morning sick, so being able to cope with non-stop nausea for roughly 6 or 7 months is a pretty big deal in the planning process. At the time, we were preparing for Shane to finish medical school, and to apply for residency. I was very concerned about how we would provide the financial support for another child, should God wish to send us one. I prayed often. I was uncomfortable with my answers, so I went to the temple and prayed there also. I plead with my Father in Heaven, "I cannot handle another child without knowing that we will be able to provide for the child's basic needs. I need confirmation that not only is this thy will, but also that we will be able to take care of our children." It took a lot of faith to accept His answer and conceive our fourth child.

     When Shane didn't pass his board exam on his second try I struggled with what I knew it would mean for his career, and felt anxious about our future. We were struggling financially and baby number four was growing away. I'm not going to downplay it - we miraculously received a student loan check we were not expecting which helped us be able to complete Shane's schooling. We even received help from the church on our way out of town. There was just no money to go around! (Well, that's been the story of our entire medical school journey!)
     For a long time, I questioned "why?" Why would I be told to bring a child in the world we were not going to be able to provide for? Here I am, four years later, with a cancer that is fed by female hormones. If I had not listened to God's will, I might have ended up with a much larger cancer problem, or without my precious daughter.

     Yesterday as we were processing the bad news, again, of Shane not matching into a residency program, my sister reminded me of my prayers during the previous summer. My question at that time was also regarding God's will for our family. "Do I have another baby, or should I go back to school?" The answer to go back to school was clear. It felt selfish at the time. I questioned whether I was listening to my own will instead of God's, but His will was reinforced by His tender mercies. I know I was supposed to go back to school. My sister asked me "Could you imagine if you had been pregnant instead of being in school?" It really made me stop and think. If I had not listened to God in the first circumstance, I might have tried to squeeze that baby in later. If I had not listened to God in the second circumstance, I would have been diagnosed with cancer while pregnant with those hormones making the cancer grow like wildfire! The match news would not have been a setback, it would have been truly devastating with the added concerns of a fifth child and my possible death.

"The submission of one's will is really the only uniquely personal thing we
have to place on God's altar. The many other things we 'give,' ... are
actually the things He has already given or loaned to us. However, when
you and I finally submit ourselves, by letting our individual wills be
swallowed up in God's will, then we are really giving something to Him!
It is the only possession which is truly ours to give!" -Neal A. Maxwell

     I know God knows and loves each of His children. I know He has a plan for us. I know He will guide us to His will if we will search it out. I know He speaks to us through scripture, prophets, and personal revelation. I know miracles occur. I know that we can put our trust in Him, and that all we accomplish in this life is by His grace. I know His son, Jesus Christ, atoned for our sins - and suffered our pains and tribulations. He is the light of the world, and He was/is the perfect example of listening to and following God's will. My life has shown me these truths over and over again, and I am grateful for the knowledge!